MST3K: The Fanfiction Initiative
by marcen12
Summary: Mike and the bots look through various bad fanfics and stories.
1. Intro

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own any MST3K characters or any fanfiction stories. I would like to thank **Xavier Writes** for the inspiration.

Intro

Tom and Crow are on at Mike's apartment, on his computer, looking at a website. Mike walks in to the apartment, with a brown bag of groceries.

"Hey, guys," he greeted, as he went to the kitchen and put down the bag on the kitchen counter. "What are you guys up to?"

"Hey, Mike," Crow called out. "We're on this strange website and we've been on it for 2 hours."

"What's the site?" Mike said, walking to the robots.

" ." Servo told him. "There are a lot of good things here."

"Yeah," Crow agreed. "People write stories about characters they see in movies, TV shows, anime and books! There are a lot of good ones."

"A lot of good ones, huh?" Mike asked, pulling up a chair. "That's going to be there are going to be some bad ones."

"A lot of them." Servo told him. "These make the movies that we sat through look like Academy Award winners."

"The most screwed up stories you'll ever read in your entire life." Crow said.

"Okay," Mike laughed. "This I HAVE to see...or read."

"First, we'll look at something called "troll fics". Servo said.

"They are awful." Crow shook his head.

"What are troll fics?" Mike asked.

"Stories that are completely incomprehensible and have an attention span of 2 minutes." Crow explained.

"Oh, this is going to be something else." Mike said.

"Let's start reading!" Servo laughed.


	2. Doug's Little Friend

**Doug's Little Friend**

Servo: A friend he can never be with in public.

**By the 6ft dick**

Crow: This is going to be a very mature story, isn't it?

Mike: Why does the author name himself after something he doesn't have?

Servo: Who says it's a guy?

**It was another day in Bluffington.**

Servo: Where people don't question why they have different colors of their skin.

**Doug was at his locker, thinking dirty thoughts about Miss Wingo.**

Crow: Little did he know that she was thinking about him as well.

**"Oh, Miss Wingo," Doug moaned out loud,"You are the hottest she maleIhave ever laid my perverted but virgin eyes on."**

Mike: The hottest she maleIhave? What the Hell is that?

**Suddenly, Skeeter did his honking noise, scaring the shit out of Doug.**

Crow: He couldn't have waited until he got to the bathroom to honk at him.

**"Skeeter you dumb mofo, what's your fucking problem?" "CHRIST, DOUG, WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, BITCH? And what was with the moaning?"**

Servo: I WAS THINKING OF YOU!

**Doug began to sweat and gulped loudly.**

Mike: How do you sweat loudly?

Servo: He did this right after he saw blindly.

**"Oh, I was thinking dirty thoughts about Miss Wingo, I mean Mr. Bone in my butt, I mean Mr. Small Dink, I mean Patti. Tee hee."**

ALL: TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

**Skeeter rolled his eyes. "Come on, **

Crow: I already did.

Mike: Crow!

**we're late for class".**

**They went to class.**

Servo: Let's take a seat.

Crow: They took a seat.

Servo: The teacher is going to check our homework.

Crow: They took out their homework.

**Miss Wingo's class was very boring.**

Mike: Stripping 101 wasn't as exciting after the first day.

**So boring, in fact, Doug began to fantasize about Miss Wingo. Douggot up andbegan to shake his groove thangin the middle of the classroom."**

Servo: Mike, what's a thagin?

Mike: It's the writer's horrible way of spelling his own name wrong.

Crow: Oh, so it's 6ft tall!

Mike: Crow! (chuckles)

**Doug, is there anything you want to share with the class?"the old bitch squealed."Yes Mrs. WingoIdo," said Doug.**

Crow: Doug slowly zips down his pants.

Mike: Crow!

**"I LOVE YOU."Ha ha thats funny, but you cant love her because your gay,Roger screamed. **

Servo: Roger! I told you that in secret.

**"Shut up, horse dick." Doug yelled.**

Mike: Great, now everyone knows that I'm half horse!

**With that, he jumped on Roger and started beating the shit out of him.**

Crow: Feces filled his pants in 5 seconds flat.

**Roger's gay little playmates grabbed Doug by the pants to get him off of Roger,**

Servo: So they could be beat up by him.

Crow: Or worse…

**but only accomplished in ripping his pants and very small, incredibly tight, extremely gay pink Barbie panties off.**

Crow: Don't you have one of those, Mike?

Mike: I told you to stay out of my sock draw…I mean, no.

**Patti screamed with delight, "Doug has a small penis!"**

Servo: How do you scream with delight when saying that?

Crow: Isn't that like laughing in terror?

**Everyone laughed at him, even Miss Wingo. Miss Wingo said between laughs," I have a bigger dick than him, and I don't even have one."**

Crow: That doesn't make any sense!

Mike: It's probably invisible.

Crow: THAT JUST RAISES MORE QUESTIONS!

**"Miss Wingo, I loved you." "Doug, I could never love you. I'm a lesbian." With that, Mrs. Dink walked in,and started making out with Miss Wingo.**

Servo: WHAT story is this? What tormented idiot decided this was literature?!

Mike: This is fanfiction, Servo.

**Everyone laughed so hard they shit themselves. Doug ran off crying.**

Crow: Because everyone crapped themselves, the stench was overwhelming for his eyes.

**As Doug ran home, crying like the pansy he was, everyone laughed at him. Cops let criminals go so they could see the naked lad.**

Mike: Even though the guys they let go were streakers.

**Firemen let buildings burn so they too could see.**

Servo: HELP US! WE'RE BURNING ALI- OH LOOK! IT'S DOUG!

Crow: LET'S ALL POINT AND LAUGH!

ALL: HA HA HA!

Mike: We're going to burn alive but it was totally worth it.

**Worst of all, a busload of hot cheerleaders and swimsuit models drove by. They laughed at thepantsless boy withthe small penis.**

Crow: The pantsless boy withthe small penis: The Pee-Wee Herman story.

**The mayor said on every television in the town, "Douglas Nancy Funnie is wearing absolutely nothing. **

Mike: Yes, he is. He just has no pants.

**Anyone who throws stuff at him, calls him a queer and other words, or just plain old makes his life a living hell will get $5."**

Servo: Calling him a queer and making his life hell. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.

**So naturally everyone in town did just that. People gave him titty twisters, threw bricks, cement blocks, basketballs, kicked, punched, and called him a little pussy queer so they could get their reward.**

Mike: So, remember, everyone! If you beat up a person that likes the same sex, you will be rewarded.

Crow: Why don't more people do this?

**Doug finally got home, bleeding, bruised, and covered in whipped cream.**

Crow: A typical orgy aftermath.

**Doug's mom came out of the kitchen afterhaving sex with Porkchop and asked what happened.**

Servo: SQUICK! Why was she doing it with food?

Mike: I think Porkchop is the dog, Servo.

Servo: THAT'S EVEN WORSE!

**Doug told her what happened and she was on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes.**

Mike: She's laughing at the fact that his teacher and Mrs. Dink made out.

**Doug's dad came home. "What the fuck happened to you?" Doug said the whole 's dadlaughed so hard he pissed his pants.**

Crow: All and all, a very understanding, and loving, family.

**Judy and her boyfriend walked in.**

Servo: Hoping to do it with Porkchop.

**"Everyone, this is Percy Femur," she said. "Oh, shit." said Doug. "Hey, I remember you. You're that little ass face who tattled on me." Percy said angrily.**

Crow: WHEN?! It never happened in this story!

Mike: He's probably talking about what happened in the actual show.

Servo: Who cares? This story isn't helping ANYTHING!

**Doug's dad thought to himself 'Sweet Jesus, Doug is making me so horny.'**

Mike: I don't care that he's my son. That just turns me on more.

Servo: What sick twisted person thought this up? I HAVE to meet them.

**He went over to Percy and whispered in his ear. Percy's smile grew bigger and bigger. **

Crow: The inside of his underwear did the same.

**Dad and Percy grabbed Doug and took him down to the basement. Screaming and moaning came from there.**

Mike: Bruce Willis was hung by handcuffs in the next room, with a gimp watching him.

**Doug came out with a bloody butt**

Servo: Worst prostate exam ever.

**and said "I'm sick and tired of everyone in this fucking town treating me like shit." **

Crow: I would rather treat me like crap!

**With that, heran out of the housepantsless again, as he screamed "see you later fuckers."**

Mike: I don't think you should insult people with no pants on. It kind of leaves you with no dignity.

**Fortunatly Doug was run over by a semi.**

Servo: A semi automatic? A semi vehicle? FILL US IN!

**The End**

Mike: This may be the end but it's the beginning of the suffering.


	3. Arthur's Adventures Day

**Arthur's Adventures Day**

Mike: What? Did Arthur's Adventures have a day of some sort?

**By: The 6ft Dick**

**One night Arthur and D.W. were smoking crack and having sex with each other.**

Servo: Well, this story is off to a good start.

**Arthur: Oh D.W. I love it how when I'm high your tits seem really big.**

Crow: Even though D.W is his sister…who is younger than she is!

Servo: Squick!

**Just then the alarm clock went off and Arthur woke up with his usual morning paper (he cant get morning wood because he's a fag so his tits just get big).**

Mike: What? Is this author a homophobe? What's with the hate against gay people?

Crow: He's probably in denial about his own sexuality.

**Arthur: Oh pal for some reason I feel oddly horny.**

**Pal: arf**

**Arthur: wow your horny to pal, that's great.**

Servo: Please tell me he's not going to do it with the dog.

Mike: I don't think the author would go that far.

Crow: This is the same person who wrote that he was doing it with his sister just a few lines ago. Nothing's really PC in their head.

**Arthur got dressed and went out looking for something to do.**

Crow: Or someone to do.

**He decided to go by school to see if anyone was at the playground before school.**

**When Arthur came up to the playground he saw two kids under the jungle gym.**

**Arthur hopped into the bushes to spy on the little fags.**

Servo: Aaaaaand Arthur is officially a predator.

Mike: I'm straight and even I'm offended of these words.

**When he looked it was Buster and Binky making out.**

**Arthur started getting aroused, so he started tochoke his gummy wormwhile watching this.**

Crow: Aren't gummy worms for EATING?

**When Arthur wasbeating ithe kept hearing this tapping noise.**

Servo: Which was coming from him beating it.

**So he turned around and saw the principal saying come into his office.**

Mike: Saw the principal saying? I guess he had to hear it from his mouth instead of listening.

**When Arthur entered the room the principal was laying naked on his desk while rubbing hisfat nipplesand he said, "I like what I saw out there, do you like what you see here?"**

Servo: I NEED AN ADULT!

Crow: Oh, but I AM an adult.

Servo: (crying)

**Arthur ran out screaming seeing the sight of the old wrinkly nut sack.**

**When he was screaming and running down the halls he ran into Mr. Ratburn.**

Crow: And HIS old wrinkly nut sack.

**Well hello Arthur what's the rush said Mr. Ratburn.**

**Arthur said, "the principal is naked in his office"**

Servo: What Arthur never knew was that the Principal was a nudist.

**Mr. Ratburn said, "o really" in an aroused voice.**

**He ran into the office where Arthur heard a lot of commotion.**

ALL: COMMOTION! COMMOTION! COMMOTION! COMMOTION!

**When Mr. Ratburn came out he was sweating and his hair was messed up.**

Mike: That was a good game of Monopoly.

**Mr. Ratburn just ran down the hall and into his classroom where Arthur heard a lot of commotion again.**

ALL: COMMOTION AGAIN! COMMOTION AGAIN! COMMOTION AGAIN!

**Arthur was starting to get board so he decided to roam around the school.**

Mike: I guess it doesn't matter if you don't go to class in school!

**When he turned a corner he heard Francine and her dad yelling about something.**

Crow: Something or whatever, it doesn't matter.

**When he looked he saw Francine's dad raping her in the trashcan.**

Servo: Because the dumpster was just too dirty.

Mike: This story is getting more and more into incest, isn't it?

**Francine's dad was saying, "hey I'm raping youin a garbadge canand my condom is this banana peel."**

Mike: Why are telling her what you're doing to her right now?

Servo: What the Hell is a garbadge?

**Arthur ran screaming and out of the building.**

Crow: Because Francine's dad was supposed to do that to him.

**When he was in the front of the school Muffy had her limo door open and wanted Arthur to join her.**

**When Arthur stepped in, Muffy was wearing a dominatrix suit, and her mom was tied up with an apple in her mouth.**

Servo: This author has serious issues right now.

Mike: Oh NOW you say that the author has serious issues.

Crow: Well, Muffy is going to kill and eat her mother. This can only end well.

**Arthur then noticed the gruesome discovery that she was bleeding from her ass cheeks and badly.**

Crow: She probably met Doug Funny's father from the last story.

**Muffy said, "listen Arthur my dad wants to talk to you and just bring you over to my house."**

**Arthur said O.K. not knowing what awaited him.**

Servo: Four days later, Arthur's body was found in a garbadge can.

**When they reached Muffy's house Mr. Crosswire was out in his lawn pissing on his plants and in a two-piece.**

Crow: Randy Quiad during his day off.

Mike: I'm pretty sure that's every day.

**Arthur a little shocked started to talk to Mr. Crosswire.**

**Mr. Crosswire was an odd man who liked to take kids in his house and they would never come back out.**

Mike: Alright, guys. No Michael Jackson jokes.

**When Arthur went inside the house he was shocked when he saw George mounted on the wall. **

Servo: Shocked but not saddened.

**Arthur was about to run out of the house but he was to slow and Mr. Crosswire shot him.**

Crow: Shot him with what?

**Arthur died and Mr. Crosswire still killed more kids, except for his little skank Muffy.**

Mike: Who he got someone else to kill his daughter.

Servo: Because killing his little kid is going too far after killing MORE kids!

Crow: All he needs is a black trench coat to complete his personality.

**The End**


	4. The Magic School Bus Dies

**The Magic School Bus Dies**

Servo: Maybe you should change its batteries.

**By the 6ft dick**

**One day at Walkerville Elementary, the class was waiting for that crack head bitch Ms. Frizzle to show up.**

Crow: I always saw Ms. Frizzle as a pot smoker.

Mike: Or someone who took a LOT of LSD.

**Arnold was incredibly nervous and paranoid.**

Servo: Ever since he took one of the pills he found on his teacher's desk that morning.

**"I don't want to go on any fucking field trips with that crazy bitch. If we do, I'll kill myself." At that moment, Ms. Frizzle showed up.**

Crow: Naked.

**"Class, I have very exciting news," she giggled. "We're going on another field trip." **

Crow: Arnold then pulled out a gun from his pocket and painted his blood all over his classmates.

**Suddenly, the high pitched scream of a boy whose balls haven't dropped yet filled the air. **

Mike: Screech from Saved By The Bell is here?

**"YOU FUCKING CRAZY BITCH! I DON'T WANT TO GO ON ANYMORE GODDAMN FIELD TRIPS! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO GET LAID YOU RUMP TICKELING GOOTCH MONSTER?"**

Servo: Did anything like this happen in your school, Mike?

Mike: Well, no. But it could have been much worse.

**At that moment Wanda walked up behind Arnold and round house kicked him in the side of the head which killed him. **

Crow: A round house kick? I thought Wanda would poof him away or something.

Mike: Wrong show, Crow.

**Everyone cheered. "Thanks Wanda. That stupid mofo was really starting to piss me off," Ms. Frizzle said.**

Servo: (in a surfer voice) He was really starting to ruin my buzz.

**"Anyway, I thought of this field trip because I've been experiencing pain in my vagina, but instead of going to the gynecologist, I thought you kids could look. It would save me time, money, and you kids would learn about female anatomy." **

Mike: Scarring kids before they hit puberty. Think of the children, I always say.

**There was a shout of hell yeah, and it turned out to be Dorothy Ann. "I'm lesbian," she said.**

Crow: (pulls out a $20 bill) Well, looks like you won the bet, Mike.

Mike: (takes cash) I told you Ralph didn't swing that way.

**Outside the school, Ms. Frizzle told them what would happen. "I will swallow you when you're in the bus.**

ALL: AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW W!

Mike: Oh my GOD! HOW SICK!

Servo & Crow: (retching)

**You guys will head down to my vagina and see what the problem is. After you find out, return to the outside world and become big again and tell me what you found.**

Servo: Their finding? She was a man.

**Upon completion, you all get an automatic A."**

Crow: -nal probe.

Mike: Oh God…

**"I really wish I stayed home today," said Carlos. Everyone laughed knowing that Arnold was dead. "What an ass hole he was," said Ms Frizzle.**

Mike: Yes. Let's all laugh at the death of the only sane person.

**"Anyway everyone on the bus." Everyone bolted to the bus. Ms Frizzle had the Portashrinker and shrunk the bus to a really small size.**

Mike: Unfortunately, it was the wrong bus. She shrunk a prison bus.

**She then opened a bottle of beer, picked up the bus, and guzzled it.**

Servo: Then, in her alcohol induced haze, she forgot what she was doing, dropped the bus, took a few drunken steps and stepped on them.

Crow: There were a dozen children who screamed in terror and were suddenly silenced.

**Inside the bus, Dorothy Ann was very excited."Oh my God, we get to see Ms. Frizzle's sperm dumpster. That's so hot. And she's drinking beer. That's so great. I really want to…" at that moment, she died due to being so excited to see Ms Frizzle's cunt.**

Servo: I guess masturbation causes death also.

Crow: If that happens in real life, does that mean Mike should have died YEARS ago?

Mike: Hey!

**Ralphie tossed Dorothy's body out the back of the bus and locked the door.**

Servo: Wait! I'm still alive! Oh well!

Crow: I'll be inside Ms Frizzle forever!

**Wanda said, "I'll drive the bus." Suddenly, Carlos objected. "No you won't. You'll probably crash or something because you're a fucking chink. I'll drive."**

Mike: Never too late to teach kids about being a racist, I always say.

**"To hell with that shit you greasy wet back. You don't even have a green card." "Neither do you," Carlos replied with a shit faced look. "Tough, I'm driving."**

Servo: This author is not only sexist AND a homophobe but a racist.

Mike: So many good qualities.

**Carlos sighed and Wanda took the bus down Ms. Frizzle's mouth to the stink that moment Ms. Frizzle got pretty tipsy from all the beers she was drinking.**

Crow: Surprisingly, they were non-alcoholic.

**She started driving her car and was swerving lane to lane.**

Mike: But really she was still in the school parking lot.

Servo: And the keys were not in the ignition.

**She heard a siren in the background.**

Crow: Half women and half mermaids are in present day America?

**"Oh mother fucker," she said. The cop came up to the window and asked her if she knew how fast she was going. She replied,**

Servo: Depends how long you were following me!

**"Damn you are one sexy mother fucker, you want to get out of here and go fuck?" "The hell I do," he said.**

Mike: (covers Servo's and Crow's eyes) Alright. This is going to turn out to be a slash fic of some kind.

Crow: Come on. Let us see!

**So they went somewhere and she unzipped her pants and out of nowhere her vagina ate him.**

Mike: This usually happens in Jersey.

**That's when the kids noticed some body parts floating around. "This is odd," said Ralphie.**

Crow: Usually, there are whole hot dogs flying in here.

**"Well like the Frizz would say, 'like my cross dressing Uncle Tina said, you can never have too many sex changes.'"**

Servo: Advise Rosie O'Donnell abides by.

Mike: Rosie's a woman.

Servo: Really? Are you sure?

Mike: Yep. 100% woman.

Servo: -sigh- (pulls out $20 bill and gives it to Crow)

**Wanda almost hit a floating testicle because she was driving so fast. "Hey slow down you whore," said Carlos. "I guess that makes you a... bad driver. Ha ha."**

Crow: How is that funny?

**Wanda said, "shut the fuck up" and broke his neck.**

Mike: How did she break his neck?

Crow: She and Cosmo used magic and…

Mike: Again, wrong show.

**"Looks like he took a BREAK from his jokes" Wanda said. **

Servo: And then she puts on sunglasses and went YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!

**Everybody booed her than killed her. All the kids were getting bored in the old man's cooter.**

Mike: So, Ms. Frizzle is Mr. Frizzle.

**They wanted something fun and interesting to do.**

Crow: Which was each other.

Mike: CROW!

Crow: This author makes ANYTHING bound to happen.

**So they pulled out their joints and smoked away. The Frizz noticed some smoke coming out of her old grilled cheese sandwich.**

Servo: Well, that's what happens when its in the microwave for too long.

Mike: I don't think that's what the author is talking about.

**She sniffed it to see what it could have been. Once she got a whiff of the delightful aroma, she pulled over and started dancing to the rhythm of her humming.**

Crow: Not caring that her private parts is probably on fire.

**A helpful yet dumb man wanted to help her in case something was wrong.**

Servo: I guess her didn't see the SMOKE coming out of her area.

**She said "Yo honey tits wanna fuck my brains out?" The man in return said, "Fuck yeah, bitch."**

Mike: Then he saw that her privates were smoking and ran away.

**So like the rest, he was also eaten alive. The frizz now realized she had to go to the gynecologist.**

Crow: Which was AFTER she swallowed a BUS full of kids and ate two men.

**So when she finally made it to the gynecologist's office she was hung over and had a wicked case of the munchies.**

Servo: She drank AND got hung over in the span of a few minutes?

Mike: She had sex with another man and IMMEDIATELY spewed out a baby.

Crow: She ran for 20 seconds and lot 40 pounds twice as fast.

**When she stepped in she went to see Nurse Liz. O.k. Liz do your mother fucking stuff.**

Mike: Why do I get the feeling this is going to be some fem slash fic.

**Liz saw the bus in her nasty old snatch and knew it was the kids.**

Servo: That was causing her old snatch to be nasty.

**So Liz ate the bus so she could get more attention.**

Crow: So, in other words, Liz ate out Ms. Frizzle.

Mike: (facepalms) Aww geez, Crow.

**All the kids died and Ms Frizzle and Liz got married.**

Servo: To celebrate the fact that the kids were dead.

**The kids' parents never gave a damn that they were dead. So all in all everyone was happy.**

Crow: Except for the dead kids, all of them who roasted in Hell.

**The End**

Mike: Of the dignity of all fanfiction.

Crow: Thanks a lot, 6ft Dick.


	5. Arthur's Sucky Day

**Arthur's Sucky Day**

Servo: Well, we're going to have a real sucky time reading this.

**By the 6ft dick**

**It was Friday afternoon in Elwood City and Mr. Ratburn was teaching the class on how to give your partner perfect oral sex.**

Mike: Oh boy. A perfect guide to be a better lover…taught to little kids.

Crow: After, Mr. Ratburn showed the kids Debbie Does Dallas.

**To help him, he had Binky Barnes lying on his desk with his pants off.**

Mike: Oh dear God. You're not going to go there, are you?

**Mr. Ratburn's head bobbed up and down as Binky squealed loudly. He squealed so loudly the windows shattered.**

Servo: It wasn't so much Binky's squeal as much as several bullets flying through.

**Mr. Ratburn got a napkin and wiped Binky's baby batter off his face. Just as he was about to give the next lesson on massaging the balls with your tongue,**

Mike: I wouldn't blame you guys if you just left.

Crow: We've watched Manos: The Hands of Fate…this is worse but we'll read on, anyway.

**Mr. Haney burst into the room.**

Servo: (as Mr. Haney) I get Binky next!

**He said, "Mrs. Read and Buster Baxter are fucking each other in front of the school. Everybody come and watch." Everyone ran out to the front of the school and saw Buster ride Arthur's mom cowgirl style and he twisted her nipples so hard she howled like a wolf.**

Mike: I thought Arthur's mom was an anteater.

Crow: Well, Buster's not an ant but she's eating out…

Mike: Stop right there.

**She howled so loudly Mr. Haney shit his pants. Thus began Arthur's worst day.**

Servo: Before that, seeing Binky being molested by his pedophile teacher was the highlight of the day.

**After school ended, Arthur, Buster, George, and the Brain went to the Sugar Bowl. They were sitting in a booth with Arthur and George on one side and Buster and Brain on the other. All of them had finished 13 ice cream sundaes apiece.**

Mike: This made Arthur's day even MORE suckier.

**Arthur finished his sundae and glared at Buster. "Buster, I can't believe you'd go and fuck my mother like that," he said.**

Crow: You were supposed to 69 her.

**"Arthur, your mom asked me to fuck her," said Buster. "What are you talking about," Arthur asked in an annoyed tone.**

Servo: I guess he's more annoyed with his best friend being with his mom than angry.

**"Remember when I was at your house last week and you were taking that enormous dump?" "Yeah." said Arthur.**

Mike: That's pretty much every day.

**"What does that have to do with anything?" "Well, as you were nuking Toiletopolis, I went into the kitchen to get a snack.**

Crow: Out of your mom's…

Mike: (smacks Crow's head)

Crow: OW!

**I saw your mom doing boring grown up shit at the table and she told me she wasn't getting any from your dad. I think she said your dad had the same size wiener as you." **

Servo: So, virtually non-existent.

**Arthur turned bright red and peed himself a little. Buster continued. "Anyway, she was really horny and made me take off her clothes without using my hands.**

Servo: He used his feet to do that.

**Then she let me touch her massive chesticles and after that, we fucked for a good twenty minutes."**

Mike: He only lasted five seconds and the rest of the time was spent crying.

**"So those noises weren't the scrambled porn we were watching?" "Nope. It was me and your mom.**

Crow: And the cameraman taping the whole thing.

**Then she met me at school today and told me she wanted me. So we went to the front of the school and the rest is history."**

Mike: I don't know why they did it in FRONT of the school instead of somewhere more private.

Servo: Like a garbadge can?

**Arthur gave Buster the finger. **

Crow: (as Buster) Yep, I used that on her too.

Mike: Oh God…

**"I don't know, Arthur. It was kind of hot if you ask me," said George.**

Servo: It sure was. 98 degrees in June.

Mike: No wonder they ate over a dozen ice cream sundaes.

**"Shut up, tardo. No one was talking to you," Brain snapped. **

Servo: Isn't his name George, not Tardo.

**"What's it to ya," asked George. "I'm with Arthur on that one," said Brain. "Thank you," said Arthur. "Anyway," said George, "what are everyone's plans for the weekend?" Arthur said, "I'll probably watch Barney and massage my nipples."**

Crow: I don't think Neil Patrick Harris will like that.

**Buster said, "I'm gonna try on my mom's clothes while she's out squandering my dad's alimony and child support payments on booze and jewelry."**

Servo: I doubt she'll have enough money for jewelry after drinking 700 dollars worth of booze.

**Brain said, "I'm going to masturbate for 3 hours straight and then I'll put it under a microscope and see how potent it is."**

Crow: And then I'll figure out why my hands are hairier than usual.

**"Brain, that's stupid," Buster said. "Even if your sperm was potent, no chick would ever want to fuck you."**

Mike: Unless there was alcohol involved.

**Brain bitch slapped Buster in the face so hard he made him cross eyed. "What about you George," Arthur asked.**

Servo: Is YOUR sperm potent?

**"I'm going to your house and fucking your whore of a mother," George said while laughing. Arthur was so mad he grabbed a fork and stabbed George in the eye. George was screaming and crying while blood seeped out of his eye. "Oh God. I'm so sorry," Arthur said.**

Mike: Sorry, I didn't stab you in BOTH eyes.

**He then picked up a steak knife and stabbed George seven times in the butthole.**

Crow: HOW? He's still sitting down!

**With every stab, George moaned. Arthur looked to see if George was still alive. He was and he had a huge boner thanks to Arthur's foreplay with the knife.**

Servo: Does them having sex involve castration?

**Arthur couldn't stand seeing George so happy, so he took the knife and slit his throat.**

Mike: Arthur commits murder in front of everyone and gets away with it.

Crow: Only in Detroit.

**George died in agony.**

Servo: As opposed to pleasantly.

**Then a bunch of blood seeped onto the floor as a waitress carrying a huge stack of dirty dishes walked by. She didn't see the bloody mess so she slipped on it, fell over and cracked open her skull.**

Mike: This happened to every waitress that came by.

**Arthur, after seeing this whole debacle, decided to leave. "Guys, I just remembered D.W. and I were going to play gynecologist. See you on Monday." **

Servo: But today is Monday.

**He slid out of the booth and headed toward the entrance.**

Crow: But not before slipping on George's blood and cracking his skull open.

**"Wait Arthur," said Buster. "You said you were going to help with the bill." "Oh. Well, I lied. You guys will have to take care of it," said Arthur. He left the Sugar Bowl and headed home. As Arthur arrived home, the windows were open and he heard what sounded like his mom singing Crazy Bus. Arthur walked upstairs and opened up his mom's bedroom door. As Arthur looked into the room, he saw his mom naked on her bed singing Crazy Bus into a dildo.**

Mike: Courtney Love on her day off.

Crow: Randy Quaid on his day off.

**Arthur yelled, "Mom, what are you doing?" She said, "I'm just doing some karaoke for D.W. and Kate." D.W. and Kate were in a crib in the corner making out.**

Servo: I am so glad this is the last story we read by this person.

**Suddenly, there was a vibrating sound and the mom pulled her cell phone out of her vagina.**

Crow: Mike, is this where you hide the remote?

Mike: I don't have…oh, never mind.

**She answered and it was Mr. Read.**

Servo: Mr. Read was in her vagi…

Mike: Crow!

Crow: I didn't say anything.

Mike: Sorry, force of habit.

**The mom went back and forth with the dad and she hung up the phone and put it back into the Bat Cave. **

Servo: Holy teledo, Batman!

**Arthur's mom said, "Your father needs you to go pick him up because his car has run out of gas. He's stuck downtown a few blocks from his office and needs you to give him a ride." "Why can't you get him," Arthur asked. "Because, dumbshit, I'm busy. Now go get him." Then the mom went back to singing.**

Crow: Which broke all kinds of noise ordinance laws.

**Arthur sighed and left the room. Arthur walked to the garage and remembered that his bike had been stolen the night before by the Tibble twins so they could sell it and buy crack from their grandma.**

Mike: Unfortunately, the bike was worth 14 cents.

**His only choices were D.W.'s tricycle or his mom's new car, a 2006 Pontiac GTO.**

Servo: Arthur pulled out his sister's bike lock from his pocket…

**Arthur went into the kitchen and got his mom's car keys. After opening the garage door, he started the car, put it in reverse, and stomped on the gas. The car rocketed out of the garage, across the street and ran over Prunella. Arthur then sped off to downtown.**

Crow: Committing a murder in public, being involved in a hit-and-run. This character is getting more and more likable.

**Prunella was so mad she tried casting a witch spell on Arthur to make his penis shrivel, **

Servo: But Arthur didn't have one.

**but she accidentally cast it on her own penis and she died.**

Crow: Now she'll never know if her sperm was potent.

**Arthur screeched to a halt in front of the strip club his dad worked at part time as a dancer. **

ALL: (sings) He's got the moves like Jagger. He's got the moves like Jagger.

**He noticed his dad's car in the parking lot so he drove over and got out of the car. When he looked inside, he almost puked. Mr. Read was giving Binky Barnes a blowjob while Mr. Ratburn was filming in the front seat. Arthur knocked on the window. Mr. Ratburn rolled it down and Arthur said,**

Servo: Can I join in?

**"What the fuck are you guys doing?" Mr. Ratburn said, "It's for your dad's newest porno, 'Mr. Read Spreads His Seed'." "Catchy title. I think I would buy it," said Arthur.**

Mike: …for Exhibit A.

**Then he remembered why he was there. "Dad, we have to get gas for your car." Mr. Read asked Mr. Ratburn to "watch" Binky for him. They left the car and Binky squealed so loudly that the windows shattered.**

Crow: Amazingly enough, they were plastic windows.

**They went over to the Pontiac and got inside. Mr. Read started the car and they did a burnout out of the parking lot and drove to the gas station. After they filled up a container with gas, Mr. Read said, "Arthur, I gotta take a piss. I'll be right back." He was gone for three hours. Arthur finally got tired of waiting and went into the bathroom. What he saw shocked him.**

Mike: No more toilet paper.

**Mr. Read was being brutally raped by Mr. Crosswire. Mr. Crosswire was crying and had mascara running down his cheeks and was repeatedly saying, "Muffy, you whore. If I can't have you, nobody will." He then shanked Mr. Read to death. Arthur went over, grabbed the knife and stabbed Mr. Crosswire to death.**

Servo: Then Mrs Lovett arrived and found some new ingredients for her meat pies.

**As Arthur turned around, he noticed Muffy at the door. Muffy saw her father's corpse on top of Mr. Read's corpse and Arthur holding a bloody knife.**

Crow: The porno movie ended up a snuff film.

**She then said, "Ooh, Arthur, I'm telling." Muffy then ran off to go tell on Arthur with her big whorish mouth.**

Mike: Someone's going to report a murder! This isn't going to end well for Muffy.

**Arthur couldn't let this happen, so he ran after that bitch. Arthur jumped and dropkicked Muffy so hard that she smacked her head against a fire hydrant and split her skull open.**

Servo: Then blood seeped on to the street and a waitress was carrying a bunch of dishes…

**Arthur was pleased with this situation and wanted to tell people about it.**

Mike: Telling people that he murdered ANOTHER person.

**So he got into the Pontiac and sped off to Buster's house. Arthur stopped in front of Buster's house and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Baxter answered the door. "Well hello Arthur," she said. "Is there anything I can do for you? To you?" "No ma'am. You gross me out," Arthur said. "I just wanted to talk to Buster."**

Crow: I want to do stuff to HIM.

**"Buster? As in Buster Cherry? As in what I want you to do to me?" Arthur then said, "I'm not getting into this house if I don't screw you, right?" "Exactly", she said. Mrs. Baxter then ripped her clothes off. She then said, "Honey, are you an ant eater outer?" "Excuse me," asked Arthur. "You eat bugs, right?" "Yeah."**

Servo: I've never seen him eat bugs in the show.

Mike: Yeah, now that you mention it…

**"Well, I've got some bugs in my cooch.**

ALL: SQUICK!

**I hope you like lice. Flied lice." Arthur was getting pissed off, so he said "I don't have time for this shit." He then pulled out brass knuckles and punched Mrs. Baxter in her vagina. Mrs. Baxter literally exploded from the biggest orgasm of her life.**

Mike: How come whenever I get punched in the junk, it's just painful.

**Arthur picked up her bloody chunks and started cooking them for Buster. When dinner was ready, Arthur knocked on Buster's bedroom door. Not getting a response, Arthur thought Buster was masturbating and burst through the door.**

Crow: I guess knocking isn't an option…even if you know what Buster was doing.

**Arthur's phone suddenly rang. He answered it and it was his mom. "Buster's waiting for you at our house." "Why," Arthur asked. "We are having a sleep over. Just get back over here." **

Mike: (in Mrs Read's voice) Can I talk to your father?

Servo: (as Arthur) Uhhh, he's dead.

**She then hung up. Arthur drove back to his house, walked through the front door and went up to his room. What he saw shocked him. He saw Brain holding Buster's severed head and had a crazy look in his eyes. He then ripped his shirt open and took some of Buster's blood and smeared it on his chest. Arthur screamed, "What the fuck is wrong with you, Brain?"**

Crow: We agreed that **I **would kill Buster and **YOU **would kill Muffy.

**"What the fuck is wrong with me you ask? Well let's see here, while you left to go fuck your mother, it was just me and Buster to pick up the tab. Buster then tricked me by leaving me to pick up the bill which turned out to be $530 due to our meal.**

Mike: Seeing as my name is BRAIN, you would think I'd be smarter than that.

**To get the money I had to suck off 12 truckers and sell off my mother's prized dildo.**

Servo: The 12 truckers were just a bonus for me.

**I had to get revenge, and there's no better way to do it then kill your butt buddy boyfriend." "You're fucking nuts, Brain."**

Crow: So, not only does this guy do guys, but also peanuts?

**"Would somebody be nuts if they chopped off their penis and surgically attached a machine gun instead?" "Yes, very fucking nuts," replied Arthur. Brain unzipped his pants and fired his machine gun, killing Arthur. **

Mike: Arthur's day was at its suckiest.

**Brain laughed manically and jumped out of his window to go eat Buster's head and kill more people.**

Crow: So he could get their potent sperm.

**Hearing the noise, D.W. walked in to the room to see what was going on. "Arthur keep down all the noise, I'm trying to get sex money from the Tibble twins." There was no response. Arthur, you bitch, get up," she squealed.**

Servo: …so loudly, she broke several windows.

**Arthur's mom came up to see what was going on. "Arthur won't wake up, Mommy," said D.W. "Oh," said her mother, "that's because he's dead." They both left and didn't care.**

Mike: I guess Arthur is like Kenny from South Park. He dies most of the time and nobody cares.

**The End**

Crow: …of my sanity.

**If you find some bad fanfictions or stories, send them this way! Keep circulating the…stories.**


	6. Stephen Colbert and Adolf Hitler

**I'm certain there's a special Hell for me**

Mike: It's called Fictionpress.

**And without further ado...**

Servo: Keep stalling. I'm not sure this story is going to end well.

Mike: Or end at all.

**Stephen Colbert was a busy man. He had lots to do and little time to do it in…so why couldn't he get the plastic off this goddamn Ramen cup?!**

Crow: He then gave up on opening the cup and hoped for the best with opening the new CD he bought from HMV.

"**Time is money," he mumbled at the cup,**

Servo: But the cup IS made of money.

**not so much because he meant it or even abided by the phrase, but it was the principle of the thing really. He could be doing all manner of things with this time...**

Mike: Like watching paint dry.

Crow: Or watching grass grow.

**like, writing his first novel or fiddling around with his site, but more likely than not, simply watching TV.**

Servo: Watching his show on his DVR and skipping to the parts that only have him in it.

**He grabbed a fork and jabbed it into the plastic, violently ripping it off and filling the little cup with water, then shoving the lot into the microwave.**

Crow: Wait, did he put the cup into the microwave or the plastic?

Mike: I think we'll find out when the microwave catches on fire.

**He leaned against the counter, away from the offending Ramen cup and tapped his foot as the microwave cooked his quick lunch. He frowned as the old microwave started making strange noises.**

Servo: It was talking. It said, "Jon Stewart is better."

**Damn thing was so old. He really needed to replace it soon. The microwave's humming got louder and more erratic.**

Crow: Ewwww!

Mike: _Erratic, _Crow. _Erratic._

Crow: Oh, okay…ewwww!

**The counter started vibrating and Stephen whipped around to investigate. What the hell was wrong with the damn thin—oh shit. The fork he had used to open the Ramen was in the microwave.**

Servo: That was supposed to be the spoon…or at the very least, a knife.

Mike: Wait. Is that why our microwave is constantly bursting into flames?

**As he reached to open it, the microwave gave a jolt and, to his horror, exploded. **

Servo: Even inanimate objects hate Raman noodles.

**He shielded his face but nothing hit him.**

Mike: …in the face. The rest of his body was the reason he was in the spirit world.

**Something strange was happening. The pieces weren't exploding…they were **_**imploding**_**. The shrapnel was being sucked into a gaping portal of indeterminate color and texture.**

Crow: So, its being sucked into New Jersey.

**He backed away from it, sure that even if he got out of this encounter alive he would die soon after of radiation poisoning or cancer or something equally as terrible.**

Servo: Like watching Battlefield Earth 3 times in one day.

Mike: Or listening to too much Dick Dale.**  
**

**He tried to run, but he found himself being pulled steadily into the portal. His feet scraped against the ground and he grasped for anything that could anchor him, but he couldn't resist the pull.**

Crow: The pull was seducing him. He couldn't resist it any longer.

**As his feet were dragged into the portal, all he could think was, "I always thought radiation would be…greener."**

Mike: Well, portals lie about the color of radiation…like the cake.****

***

**Adolf stormed out of the Academy of Arts cursing furiously.**

Mike: As opposed to cursing joyfully.

**When he had first received his rejection letter, he thought that surely a mistake had been made. How could the dean not recognize such raw passion?**

Servo: I cannot believe the dean can't see the passion in muss murdering.

**He had come down to the school to present his portfolio once again and assure them that he was worthy of attending their prestigious school, but they had rolled their eyes at him and told him that they had declined his application due to a lack of talent.**

Crow: They suggested that he should create various reality TV shows.

**Become an architect, they said.**

Mike: Ummm, don't you actually NEED talent to become an architect?

Servo: Only in his dreams.

**Lack of talent; this was clearly the pinnacle of all the stupid things he'd heard in his life.**

Crow: Clearly, he has never been to a Blue Collar comedy special.

**He was nineteen and already his childless father pension was running out.**

Servo: …of drugs.

**He needed to be in school to better his art and hone his artistic vision. **

Mike: He needed bodies.

**He cursed the Jews on the school board under his breath. He glared back at the gates,**

Crow: …of Hell.

**shaking his head angrily. Of all the stupid things! Without warning, he was hit by something rather large and heavy.**

Mike: John Goodman?

**After a few seconds of confusion and hustle, he realized that it was a handsome older man in a strangely tailored suit.**

Servo: Clarista Flockhart? ****

_**"Machen welche die Hölle Sie?!"**_** Adolf shouted, jumping to his feet and dusting himself off indignantly. The man quirked an eyebrow up at him and said slowly but not in a condescending manner, "Speak English?" "I am…sorry." Adolf conceded in his best English, offering the man a hand up. He searched for words for a minute**

Mike: (as Hitler) When you fell on me, some words fell to the ground. Can you help me find them?

**before saying, "How are you called?"**

Crow: An idiot savant?****

The man smiled, looking relieved. "I'm Stephen Colbert," he announced, extending his hand to grip Adolf's in a formal handshake. Adolf took it,

Mike: …by pulling out his ax and chopping it off.

**more than a bit puzzled. "Is French?" Colbert nodded, grinning vaguely. "…Vere did you come from?"**

Servo: From the space in between spaces. ****

Colbert shrugged. "Where am I?" A smile touched Adolf's lips. What a cryptic answer. 

Mike: If a cryptic answer means generic question, then sure.

**He was intrigued, but who was this man? "Vienna. I am Adolf Schicklgruber. You need a place to stay? Is not much, but…" Stephen looked pensive for a moment. Schicklgruber; why did that sound familiar?**

Crow: I would be more concerned about the name Adolf.

**Either way, he really didn't have any place to stay, but how did he end up in Vienna? **

Servo: He was at a bachelor party with the guys from The Hangover movies.

**And for that matter, how was he going to get back home? Oh well, he'd think about all that later as, for the moment, he had no money on him and no other options.**

Mike: And, worst of all, no Flux Capacitor. ****

***

Adolf's apartment was small and sparsely furnished, but cluttered with paintings and drying postcards, art supplies and books, various random knickknacks, and an ancient phonograph.

Crow: Every art student's wet dream.

**Adolf sank down onto the stiff bed and gave Stephen leave to take the sturdy chair across from it. He picked up a newspaper off of it and sat down.**

Mike: Sit on the chair, not the newspaper.

**It was typed up in German but the date read 1908. He laughed, giving the paper a tap with the back of his hand. "How old is this thing?"**

Servo: The back of your hand is the same as your age, you idiot.****

Adolf looked puzzled as he took the paper from Stephen, giving it a quick glance. "S'at's yesterday's paper." Stephen frowned. Adolf studied his form intently and tentatively asked, "May I—may I paint you? I am an artist, you see," he hastily added.

Crow: That's his excuse to draw anyone naked.

**Painting from landscapes and postcard pictures could only get one so far.**

Mike: There were only so much sexual undertones that the landscapes could provide.

**He didn't have the money to pay a model but maybe he could rend something beautiful from his guest. Stephen laugh, a bit taken aback.**

Servo: A Stephen laugh? What the Hell is that?

**No one had ever asked to paint him before but he couldn't see why not. At least he could have some time to think about his situation while Adolf painted.**

Crow: …him nude.

Mike: You've already made a nude joke already.

**The young German switched places with him so he could have adequate lighting and then threw open the drapes with a dramatic flourish. He set to sketching Stephen's relaxed body, smiling contentedly and making quiet conversation.**

Servo: As he's painting, I keep expecting Celine Dion to pop out of nowhere and start singing.

**When he was finished with the last bit of shading on his preliminary sketch, he plopped down next to Stephen to show him. Stephen laughed. "Oh you're good. My face isn't that lined already is it?" He asked playfully.  
**

Mike: Why didn't anyone tell me that my nose was that big?

**Adolf frowned, slightly crestfallen. "No, Mr. Colbert, you look goodt. Youthful." He wasn't blowing smoke either.**

Crow: As far as I know, you can't smoke heroin.

Servo: How DO you blow smoke.

Mike: It's not being literal.

**He was actually kind of scared at how attracted he was to the man, but he couldn't back down from his statement now or he'd make things awkward.**

Servo: More awkward then when you asked him to draw him?

Crow: Out of nowhere too.****

Stephen shook his head, grinning. "Call me Stephen. Or if you become a really good friend of mine, Ted Hitler."

Mike: The combination of his heroes, Ted Bundy and Adolf Hitler.****

Adolf knew that there was a joke he wasn't getting but felt stupid having it explained to him, so he simply said, "The name of my father is Heidler, but Hitler sounds better."  
Stephen's brow furrowed at that and Adolf was afraid he had said something wrong. He quickly searched his brain for another subject he could adequately express in English.

Crow: (as Hitler) Have you ever thought about murdering a whole bunch of people for no adequate reason?

**He bit his lip and Stephen let out a boyish giggle,**

Servo: Adolf! Bite your own lip.

**reaching hesitantly to push a strand of hair back from the German boy's face.**

Mike: Please tell me this isn't going to be that kind of fanfic.****

Adolf took Stephen's wrist lightly in midair, inhaling sharply as he felt the older man's smooth skin. He leaned into Stephen's gaze uncertainly, his lips brushing Stephen's.

Crow: Stephen's what?

**Adolf ran a hand through the man's dark hair and deepened the kiss,**

Servo: I must be high because I'm reading that Hitler and Colbert are kissing.

Mike: We're reading it too and we're sober.

Servo: Oh. Okay. Let me change my reaction. AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

**pressing his taut young body up against Stephen's. **

Crow: STEPHEN'S WHAT?! WHAT IS HITLER PRESSING AGAINST?!****

Stephen gasped into his mouth and broke free, wrenching his body back away from Adolf. "I—I can't do this," he sputtered breathily.

Mike: Not without a condom.

"**I'm in love with someone else."**

Servo: Charlie Manson?

Mike: Jack Ruby?

Crow: Bin Laden.

Servo and Mike: What?****

Adolf cast his eyes down, his cheeks burning, and pretended to be interested in the worn sheets he was picking at.

Mike: (as Adolf) Wait. This isn't cotton.

"**Vith whom?" Stephen sighed. He wouldn't even be born for another half a century. "Jon Stuart Leibowitz."Adolf's eyes stung with tears of embarrassment.**

Crow: Yeah, I'd be embarrassed if someone left me for Jon Stuart.

**He batted them away angrily with the back of his hand. **_**"Gottverdammen Juden,"**_** he murmured in an attempt to console himself…**

Mike: Wait, that's the end?

Servo: It was bad but then it just stops? What the Hell?

Crow: You wanted it to keep going? You guys are sadists!


	7. Caillou With Hair

**Caillou With Hair?**

Mike: Kind of like a Rastafarian that is bald.

**By Dave Maldonado**

**Once upon a time, well, not to long ago, Caillou was playing with a new girl in the neighborhood.**

Crow: (sings)Who's that girl?

Servo: (sings) Who's that girl?

ALL: It's Jess!

**However, the girl thought that Caillou looked odd without any hair." You're bald, Caillou!" "I'm not bald...! What's Bald?" Caillou replied."Yes you are, baldy! Bald means you ain't got no fucking hair!"**

Mike: This is going to be a very story driven fanfic.

**"I HAVE NO HAIR?!" Caillou whined like a little bitch.**

Servo: Well, it's because he IS a little bitch.

**Shortly after Caillou got home, his mother wondered why he was crying (and also humping his cat, Gilbert).**

Crow: His dog, Porkchop, had died of neglect.

Mike: Hey, maybe, Caillou is the younger version of Doug. Both of them are bald and whiny.

**"What the hell's wrong with you?" "Moooommyyyyy! I have no hair!""Dumb ass! Didn't you listen to the doctor? He told your stupid ass that you have a damn disease that won't let you grow any hair!**

Servo: The doctor was extremely weird…talking to Caillou's stupid ass instead of his stupid face.

**Now stop bothering me, and quit humping Gilbert!"**

Crow: You're supposed to be humping me!

**So Caillou stopped bellyaching and went outside.**

Servo: …to bellyache.

**Just outside the house, Caillou saw a sign that flew into the front yard.**

Crow:…smashing him right in the face.

**The sign had a picture of a man with long hair.**

Mike: Metallica was going to play in his neighborhood the day after.

**Caillou picked up the sign and tried to read it."Bdughfczx…augh…dakl…Man, I can't read it!"**

Crow: Funnily enough, there were no words on the sign.

**(Actually, the sign said, "This guy used Rogaine, the leading anti-baldness formula. Have you used Rogaine, yet?") Disappointed, Caillou went back into the house and asked his father to read him the Rogaine advertisement.**

Servo: He should know, he uses it.

**"Caillou, you illiterate, little S.O.B.! Why the hell do I have to read you this shit?"**

Crow: EWWWWW! He's trying to get his father to read something that came out of the toilet.

**"Uumm…um, my teacher wanted you to read it to me," Caillou lied. "Damn it, Caillou! You're four years old; you don't have a teacher! You were kicked out of preschool for ass-raping another boy…!**

Servo: Oh my God! It IS a young version of Doug!

**Fine, I'll read it to you!" Caillou's father took the paper and proceeded reading, **

Mike: Bald people are morons.

**"The sign is a Rogaine ad. It said that if you use Rogaine, then you'll have a head full of hair." "Daddy, I wanna try it, please!" "Fuck you! I ain't paying no $150 for some sorry ass hair formula!"**

Crow: (as Caillou) I don't want ass hair, I want head hair!

**"But Daddy! I need it! If you don't get it, I'll steal it!"**

Mike: Steal what? The money or the formula?

**"GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! I WANT YOUR FAGGOT ASS TO GO OUTSIDE AND STOP BOTHERING ME!" Caillou's dad took a knife from the kitchen drawer and chased Caillou with it. **

Servo: What kind of parent uses a knife against their child?!

Crow: Yeah! At least use the belt. Or the rolling pin. Or your fist. Or the gun you keep in your pocket. Or the baseball bat. Or…

Mike: And you wonder why I don't let you see the next door neighbor's kids.

**"WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GO STICK A BOTTLE OF ROGAINE UP YOUR ASS!"**

Mike: BUT I ALREADY HAVE A CAN OF RITALIN UP MY SCROTUM!

**Then Caillou ran back outside the house to flee from his homicidal father.**

Servo: …and to the man with the hockey face with the bloody knife.

**Suddenly, he spotted Gilbert and realized that Gilbert had hair.**

Crow: It was then Caillou realized that Gilbert was a Chichewa.

**"Gilbert has hair! Ooooh! I want his hair!" Therefore, Caillou ran after Gilbert and caught him by the fur. Gilbert attempted to flee, which caused Caillou to place him in a stronger grip.**

Mike: Crow, after we read this. I want you to call PETA.

**"CAILLOU, LEAVE THAT DAMN CAT ALONE!" Caillou's father screamed out the window! Unfortunately for Caillou, Gilbert repeatedly clawed him in the face and jumped out of Caillou's arms.**

Servo: Well…unfortunately for Caillou, good news for us.

Crow: Too bad he didn't get shot in the face…yet.

**"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"**

Mike: Why is this little kid turning into Lucille Ball?

**Caillou was home from the hospital. (Caillou had stitches, antibiotic shots, a tetanus booster, and a bandage, due to his fiasco with Gilbert.)**

Crow: Why didn't the hospital just let him die?

Mike: Because it was only a kitty scratch. It wasn't life threatening.

Crow: I'm going to ask again. **WHY** didn't the hospital just let him die?

**Just after he had arrived home from the hospital, Caillou decided to pursue another method of possessing hair. **

Servo: South of the equator.

Crow: He's probably bald down there too.

**Being an idiot, Caillou decided to cut up his parents' new living room rug and glue a piece of it onto his head.**

Mike: Calling Caillou an idiot is an understatement.

Servo: It's like saying W. Bush was a mediocre President.

**Unfortunately, Caillou possessed a pair of scissors and a bottle of Elmer's Glue in his bedroom.**

Crow: He's either going to get high or kill himself.

**Then he walked upstairs into his room, grabbed his scissors and glue, and finally walked back downstairs into the living room. Caillou did what he thought was necessary;**

Servo: Stab his chest?

**he cut up the rug and glued a piece onto his head. Caillou was happy to possess "hair." "D'AAAH! What have you done to our beautiful, new rug? My god! You've just cut up the rug and glued it onto your stupid ass head?! What the fuck were you thinking?!"**

Mike: It's understandable. He came back from the hospital all drugged up.

Crow: **WHY **DIDN'T THE HOSPITAL LET HIM DIE?!

**Caillou's mother was furious that the new rug was now a pile of crap on top of Caillou's head.**

Servo: Don't you mean, "The piece of the new rug is on top of the pile of crap's head?

**"Get your ass into the tub and wash the rug off your head! Maybe, just maybe, I can put the rug back together." **

Mike: If not, you could buy a new one.

Crow: I don't think she's smart enough. She told him to wash something in the tub instead of the sink.

**Shortly after Caillou began his bath, he was still concerned about having hair. Caillou noticed that the bubbles might be used for making his hair;**

Servo: He wasn't taking a bubble bath, however.

Mike: What do you-oh. Ew.

**however, he didn't realize that the "bubble hair" is temporary. "Bubbles!**

Crow: She's off fighting crime with her two sisters in the city of Townsville.

**I can make 'bubble hair!'" Caillou screamed, ecstatically. Caillou washed off the patch of rug from his head and then smeared bubbles on top of his head. "Yea! I have hair!"**

Servo: Too bad you can't go outside with it.

**Caillou splashed around inside the tub until his father came into the bedroom and slapped him upside the head.**

Mike: …for being his only son.

Crow: Or for existing.

**"Shut up, Caillou! You'll wake up your sister, Rosie! By the way, that 'bubble hair' isn't real! Now finish your bath and go to bed."**

Servo: Go to bed in the bathtub. Make sure the tub is full.

**The next day, Caillou was at his grandma's house. (Caillou was at his grandma's house, because his parents and his sister, Rosie, were at the supermarket.)**

Crow: Caillou got banned from the supermarket because he tried to rob the store.

**Caillou's grandmother had a French poodle named Jacques, and she decided to let Caillou play with him. "Now, Caillou! You be nice to Jacques! He won't bite or anything, just as long as you don't agitate him. Promise?" "I promise I'll be nice to him, Grandma," Caillou replied. As Caillou's grandmother left,**

Mike: …Jacques attacked him, ripping his face off.

Crow: Why?

Mike: Because it's Caillou.

**Caillou acquired a notion where he can use the dog's fur as a toupee. Unfortunately, Caillou didn't have any scissors or glue like he did at home; nor did he have an electrical razor.**

Servo: …to slit his wrists.

**"I need hair! I have no scissors or glue…! Ooooh! I brought some bubble gum! Bubble gum is sticky; maybe I could stick bubble gum to the dog's fur and stick the fur to my head."**

Mike: So much for keeping his promise.

**Caillou popped an enormous wad of bubble gum into his mouth and chewed until the flavor was null. Then he spit the wad into his had and smeared it into Jacques' fur. **

Crow: He spit the wad into his what?

**Caillou tried to lift the fur off the dog's body, but the dog bit him and dashed away. However, Caillou was in hot pursuit of the dog until he tackled and captured the dog. Finally, Caillou stuck Jacques onto his head.**

Mike: Ok. Servo, I want you to email this story to every animal rights group you can find.

**"Great, merciful crap! How the hell did you get my dog to stick onto your head?! Jackass, I told you not to agitate Jacques!**

Crow: But the group needed to for a stunt for their 4th movie.

**First of all, I'll have to free him from your head. Then I'll inform your parents about the incident." Caillou's grandma took him by the wrist and escorted him into her house. **

Servo: …where she beat him repeatedly.

**There, she removed Jacques from Caillou's head by using peanut butter and then informed Caillou's parents about the incident. Consequently, Caillou was grounded for a month…without TV…video games…toys…or hair.**

Mike: So, he did ever wash the peanut butter off of his head?

Servo: He probably thought it was good as hair.

**A month later, Caillou was at his friend, Leo's house.**

Crow: Caillou has friends?

**Leo had shown Caillou a toupee that had belonged to Uncle Larry, a close, personal friend of Leo's family.**

Servo: A VERY close and personal friend, if you know what I mean.

**"Uncle Larry lost his hair a long time ago, so he decided to get a wig. But then his wig began to smell like shit,**

Mike: Because the wig actually WAS shit.

**so he decided to buy himself another wig."**

Crow: …from Cher.

**"Oooh! Hair! Can I have Uncle Larry's wig, since he has another wig?" "O.K. I suppose you can wear it! Man, I need to make the wig stick to your head. Oh, yeah! I've got it! There's a stapler on my dad's desk in the den! I can staple the wig to your head!"**

Mike: As long as it kills him, I'll be fine.

**Caillou brought the toupee as he and Leo walked into the den. "Here it is, Caillou! This is my dad's stapler; I'll staple the wig to your head. That way, you'll keep the wig on your head, forever."**

Crow: It's not like I could wear it on my head like a normal person.

**Leo grabbed the stapler, and Caillou placed the wig onto his head. Leo stapled the wig to Caillou's head, while forcing Caillou to withstand the pain.**

Servo: …by kicking him between the legs.

**"Ow, ow, OW! Leo that hurts!"**

Servo: Yeah, well, reading THIS hurts us!

**"Sorry, Caillou! Well, I'm finished…!Caillou, what's that red stuff coming from your head?"**

Mike: The inside of the toupee was filled with strawberry jam and fruit punch.

**Suddenly, Leo's father walked into the den and was appalled to see Caillou bleeding at the head. **

Crow: I would have been happy to see him bleeding.

**Leo's father called 9-1-1 and told the dispatchers that a toupee was stapled to Caillou's head. Eventually, the paramedics came to Caillou's aid and rushed him to the hospital.**

Servo: They said **eventually**. That means AFTER the paramedics laughed at the phone call for 2 straight hours.

**In turn, Caillou felt confused about the hair and didn't know what will happen to him when his parents were to find out about Uncle Larry's toupee.**

Mike: Caillou's body was found in his bedroom two weeks after his hospital visit, with four bullet wounds in his chest. His parents were found guilty of the crime and were given the key to the city.

**At the hospital, Caillou was recuperating from his head wounds while his parents and Rosie stood beside his bed, waiting for his wounds to heal.**

Servo: …or kill him.

**"Caillou, I've heard about the wig. Are you all right? That was a stupid thing that happened to you," said Caillou's mom.**

Crow: She means him being born.

**His dad said, "Damn it, Caillou! What stupid shit will happen to you next? First of all, you got Leo into trouble for that damn wig. Second, that wig wasn't yours in the first place. Ultimately, we will have to pay a big ass medical bill! You are an embarrassment to our family! I wish you'd die and rot in hell!"**

Servo: The Quiad family say this to Randy every two weeks.

**Rosie pointed to Caillou and yelled, "Dummy!"**

Mike: That's a pretty bad insult…I mean, even dummies have a use in society.

**Poor, pathetic Caillou had to listen to his parents lecture him about the fiasco. He cried, because he felt ashamed of being bald and having a series of hair-related catastrophes. "Well, good night, Caillou! We'll see you tomorrow," said Caillou's mom, as they left Caillou alone in the hospital.**

Crow: They quickly packed up all of their belongings and moved to California, leaving their son with the huge medical bill.

**Unfortunately, Caillou's life was boring the next day, so let's skip a week and end up at the day where Caillou and his family visited the circus. (Caillou had to wear a hat in order to conceal the stitches on his head.)**

Servo: Caillou had a lobotomy?

**At the circus, Caillou and his family saw clowns, elephants, lions,**

Crow: And tigers and bears!

All: Oh my!

**trapeze artists, and human cannonballs with his binoculars.**

Mike: The circus took his binoculars?

**"Wow! The animals have hair!" Caillou yelled.**

Crow: Elephants have hair?

**"Caillou, sit down!" his mother snapped. "But I need hair, Mommy!" Caillou walked out of his seat, then out of the audience, and towards the animals.**

Servo: Security doesn't exist here.

**As a gargantuan elephant attempted to step onto a giant ball, Caillou grabbed onto the elephant's tail. "Yea! Now, I have hair!"**

Mike: He just went from Idiot Kid to Too Dumb To Live.

**"What the hell is that idiot doing?" exclaimed the ringmaster. "Hey, asshole! Get the hell off that elephant, now!" "I can't! I need the hair from the elephant's tail!" "All right!" Then the ringmaster turned to the lion tamer and shouted, "Send out the lion!"**

Servo: Take the hair from Simba!

**"LION?! D'AAAAAAAAAH!" Caillou screamed, as the vicious lion was sent out by the lion tamer. Caillou died a slow, agonizing demise as the lion mauled him.**

Crow: Ah, so Caillou was part of a Sigfield and Roy act.

**In turn, the audience (and Caillou's family) applauded.**

Mike: Like during that Sigfield and Roy act.

**THE END**

**READER'S NOTE:**** KEEP CIRCULATING THE STORIES! EMAIL SOME TERRIBLE FANFIC STORIES OR…BAD STORIES IN GENERAL! **


	8. How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish

**How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish**

Crow: Is it okay if we look at the stories of the 6ft Dick?

**Videl was a 18-year old, good-looking girl with long  
legs and short, black hair. Se had a boyfriend and a fairly  
normal sex life, meaning she had sex with him usually  
every day.**

Servo: Something Mike wouldn't know!

Mike: Hey! (sighs)

**He was boy number two in her life and so far  
she had used the pill as contraception successfully.**

Mike: Which explains where boy number one was.

**So she was not too interested in the subject of  
abortion except she was pro choice but rather in a  
theoretical manner. Of course, would she get pregnant she  
would know where and how to obtain an abortion.**

Crow: …with an abortion green card. Get 3 abortions and get one free!

**It is  
legal in Japan up to 12 weeks on demand and in  
neighbouring Thailand nobody will ask any question up to 22  
weeks and in some clinics 28 weeks (not exactly legal,  
but openly tolerated).**

Mike: What is your name?

Crow: (as Videl) IT SAID NO QUESTIONS?!

**So she didn't  
bother. It was on a July-weekend in Osaka when she dropped  
by in a bookshop and had a look at the "women's corner",**

Servo: You mean the kitchen?

Mike: (smacks Servo on the head)

**where everything from the latest diet to sex tips was the trade  
of the day. She opened a book on sexual self-determination and  
somehow she took some time to have a look at the chapter dealing with  
abortion.**

Crow: I guess the chapter that says use a condom had been removed.

**The different techniques from suction over  
dilation and curettage, dilation and evacuation or intact  
extraction, saline abortion and even caesarean abortion were  
laid out in graphic detail and some of the pictures  
really caught her attention. **

Servo: Seeing as she couldn't read words.

**Although some of the photos  
of inserted forceps pulling out foetal body parts  
looked pretty disturbing on first sight, a nge  
nge  
fascination made Videl virtually stare at them.**

Mike: This is wrong. This is like…an abortion of wrong.

Servo: It'll probably get to Videl MORE.

**She made  
sure nobody could look over her shoulders seeing what  
she was reading and looking at and started to absorb  
every little detail the book could provide.**

Crow: Uhhhh…WE can see what you're doing!

Mike: Probably doesn't even know about the security camera behind her.

**She  
bought it and went to her Hotel.**

Servo: I guess she stole the book because it doesn't say that she paid for it.

Crow: Which is why she went to a hotel since the cops are probably at her house.

**Reading over the  
chapter she came to the second chapter on abortion, the  
title of which nearly stopped her breathing: "Are  
abortions fun?"**

Servo: Of course they are! That room where women are crying after they had an abortion! ALL an act!

Mike: Just like when men get castrated. They seem like they're in pain and are horrified but, really, it's all an act and no big deal.****

She had always thought of abortion  
as a necessary evil and a right that women should be  
able to exercise without being questioned, but  
thinking of them as something enjoyable did never come to  
her mind.

Crow: Killing unborn babies turns me on.

Mike: Are you talking as Videl or yourself?

Crow: (cries) I don't know!

**Nevertheless she started wondering whether  
her own morbid interest in reading the stuff did not  
have the same undercurrent feeling that the books  
author laid out on the pages in front of her eyes.**

Servo: No, the book TRIES to have personality and be likable.

**talktalked about  
breaking the taboo of killing the unborn  
foetus and about the sexual arousal and the feeling of  
helplessness women experienced lying on the abortion table  
that contributed to it. **

Servo: I never knew there was a character named TalkTalked in Dragon Ball Z!

**It also reported many women  
obtaining the procedure enjoyed the feeling of being  
emptied, the contraction of the uterus in the process of  
the vacuum suction and going with it a sexual arousal  
that in many instances lead to climactic orgiastic  
experiences for them.**

Crow: OH MY GOD! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!

Mike: (tries to click on back button of Internet browser) IT'S NOT WORKING!

Servo: PLUG THE CORD OUT!

Mike: I can't! The cord's stuck!****

Videl did not know how long  
had had been reading the intricate and delicate  
details of the descriptions dealing with abortion  
experiences from 5 weeks gestation to 39, when her boyfriend  
knocked at her door and wanted to come in.

Crow: …to her.

**Nervously she  
closed the book and put it into her luggage. She did not  
want Gohan to see what she was reading, being afraid  
he would laugh at her. **

Servo: I would laugh at her…after 16 years of being EXTREMLY uncomfortable around her.

Mike: I wouldn't laugh at her at all…I would probably be too busy screaming in stark terror for 2 hours.

**When she stood up to go to  
the room's door she realised her slip was soaking  
wet. It was in fact so wet one could hear her pussy's  
lips swamp on every step she made; or so it seemed to  
her.**

Crow: (as Gohan) I hear something swishing around in there! Would you tell your private area to shut up in there!****

"I am with you in a minute, Gohan, just let me  
finish my toilette please", she called out. She had to  
change her slip or else; she was afraid he would hear  
that wet sound from her pussy's lips and wonder why  
that was the case.

Mike: HOW would he hear it?

**She jumped into the bathroom, cleaned her  
dripping pussy with a paper hanky and got a fresh slip.**

Servo: So her private area is like a leaky faucet. It's not going to stop until a plumber fixes it using…

Mike: Don't say another word.

**As  
she stepped into her room again he sight fell on her  
bag, which contained the book, that had captured so  
much of her attention this afternoon.**

Crow: Is it 50 Shades of Grey? Because that would explain a lot.

**She experienced  
a slight shiver thinkingthe the pictures showing  
the insertion of forceps, vacuum tubes, sharp bladed  
curettes and dilators into other women's vaginas.**

Servo: Mike, do you mind if you throw up for me?

Mike: Come on, Tom. At least, they're not going to show pictures.

**She knew  
she wanted to know more about this. No, she wanted ****to  
know all about this. She would go to every little  
bookshop in town and surf the web in every little corner  
to learn everything about abortion and the pleasures  
it provided to those knowing.**

Crow: As opposed to watching videos. ****

"Hi, Gohan",  
"Hi, Videl". Their hallo was short and informal.  
Videl was aroused from what she just had consumed and  
decided she needed satisfaction immediately. 

Servo: She needed to hear the Rolling Stones immediately.

**"I want you  
to fuck me here and now, Gohan, she moaned"**

Mike: (chuckles) Did Videl actually say "she moaned"?

Crow: This story is getting disturbing, he groaned.

**and  
before he knew what was happening to him she had opened  
his pants, pulled them down and with hands knowing  
how to handle him she made him ready in a moment.**

Servo: She pushed him out of the hotel room and locked him out for several hours.

**She  
got off her slip, pulled up her skirt and while  
laying down on the desk in front of the bed she opened  
up her legs and pulled him into her soaking wet  
vagina. **

Crow: I guess they have pulling beams.

**She closed her eyes as he penetrated her deeply.  
"Why does this fuckin' desk not have stirrups or  
knee rests?" she wondered silently while the pumping movements  
they both made raised her orgasm very fast to her  
first climax. **

Servo: Because you broke the other one the last time you guys did this.

**She had her eyes still closed and in her  
imagination she was lying on a surgical table in a clinic.  
Her legs opened and up in the air, the doctor would  
enter the room, insert a large tube, penetrate her with  
it and suction a foetus out of her wide opened  
cavity.**

Crow: Then she realized that this was a brothel. ****

The imagination of receiving an abortion heightened  
her sexual feelings once more and as she came again  
she could not suppress a whisper saying "suck it,  
please, suck it out".

Mike: The poison. It's slowly killing me. Please suck it out.

**Gohan was too busy with his own  
orgasm to register she had said anything that didn't  
make sense to him. **

Servo: Like their wedding vows. Or anything that comes out of her mouth.

**With a loud breathing he ejaculated  
into her and as they both came Vids cos convulsively  
contracting cervical muscle suctioned his warm sperm into her  
uterus and up into her ovaries where they happened to  
meet the result of Videl forgetting to take the pill  
that morning.**

Crow: (vomits up 4 screws)

**"Ohhh, yessss, that was so good,  
I just needed that right now" she said ohanohan  
when he pulled out of her and a stream of liquid, a  
mixture of sperm and her own wetness, flowed out of her  
vagina onto the carpet next to the desk.**

Servo: (faints)

**Gohan was  
puzzled: "I didn't know you were a fan of quickies, but I  
have to admit, it was a nice surprise. We could to  
that more often." "Yes, Gohan, I think we  
should".**

Crow: …NEVER do that again.****

Back home in Tokyo, Videl had a good time. Having  
Sex with Gohan was still good, though she had an  
adventure with a good looking guy from the Capsule Corporation,  
whom she loved to fuck in dangerous  
places.

Mike: Canada included.

**In general she had developed a sense for  
"dangerous situations" and used them as a turn on. So  
Gohan provided her "bread and butter" sex, and Vegeta was  
her little in-between-excitement. **

Crow: Doesn't Vegeta rhyme with vagi…

Mike: Not now, Crow. Servo's getting up.

Crow: That's what she sa…

Mike: (chokes Crow's neck) No.

Servo: Is it over?

Mike: Not yet…sorry.

**But with both guys  
she had used her new imagination about having an  
abortion as a way to increase her orgiastic pleasure.**

Servo: A three way?

**She  
had searched the web for information on it, but what  
she had found so far was off pretty little value,  
either in terms of information or in terms of turn  
on.**

Crow: You know it's disturbing when even the INTERNET doesn't want to deal with it.

Mike: It's kind of like Nicolas Cage saying "No" to a movie role.****

It was early October when she somehow felt unease  
over her current relationships with the two guys.

Servo: It's called guilt. It makes you feel like a human being.

Crow: Whoever wrote this is far from being human.

**She  
was still using the pill, but recently she had felt  
some sickness when getting up in the morning.**

Crow: Yeah, that's going to happen when you watch Monster A Go-Go. I STILL feel sick inside.

**Maybe  
she should consult a doctor and exchange the chemical  
contraceptive she was using for another one. She would go on  
Friday next week.**

Servo: Instead, she went to a psychiatrist and he would give her SOME kind of chemical because SHE'S INSANE!****

"Young lady, I am afraid changing the  
contraceptive is not exactly what I can prescribe to you right  
now", her gynaecologist explained to her.

Mike: But I have your crazy pills here…not that it seems to be helping.

**"You are 16  
weeks pregnant. You are not prepared for that news, are  
you?"**

Crow: Maybe preparing her BEFORE you told her would have helped. ****

"No, I am not", she replied, "but nowadays that should  
not be a problem, should it?"

Servo: Because you can't have more than one kid in Japan.

Crow: I thought that was Tokyo.

Mike: Maybe it was China.

Servo: WHO CARES?!

**"Well, here in Japan  
you need a reason such as health grounds for an  
abortion after 12 weeks, but a friend of mine, a Japanese  
gynaecologist, is running a facility in Bangkok. They are  
providing abortion services up to 22 weeks on demand, up to  
36 weeks if there is a health problem whatsoever. Do  
you want the address?"**

Mike: I would like the address…of the person who wrote this movie so I could go rip their guts out.****

"Yes please", Videl  
said and on her way back to her apartment she started  
to get excited already thinking of the prospect to  
have something in real life that was theoretical or  
fantasy up to now. 

Servo: She'd probably get wet when she hears she's going to get executed.

**Arriving at home she immediately  
called the clinic in Bangkok. "You are 16 weeks  
pregnant, you said?"**

Crow: YOU SAID NO QUESTIONS!

**"Yes, exactly." "That won't be any  
problem. We can offer you an appointment next Friday. The  
size of your pregnancy will not require you stay  
overnight, but we can to that on a "walk in walk out" basis.  
"Can I stay awake during the procedure?" Videl  
wanted to know.**

Crow: I don't want to be awake READING THIS!

**She had been thinking about it and found  
out she had developed a real fetish for having an  
abortion and it was clear she could only hope for the joy  
promised in that book if she was not asleep when the  
doctor exterminated her foetus. "No problem, that is  
your personal choice" was the answer she had hoped  
for.**

Mike: The answer she got was… "Fine, but where I put my tongue is none of your concern."

Crow: And then she knocked her out.****

She took the plane to Bangkok and was lucky to have  
a sunshiny day when she arrived.

Servo: Unfortunately, the weather knew she had arrived and a hurricane came right out of nowhere.

**The clinic was  
only a two-minute walk from the airport and her first  
impression was "oh this is a very large clinic. How many  
abortions do they perform here?" The leaflet she got at the  
reception answered her question: 50 abortions everyday,**

Crow: That's right. The receptionist got 50 abortions.

**Saturday and Sunday service included,**

Mike: They do abortions at Church also?

**18.500 every year  
since 1985. Many patients were women with jobs, so  
having their abortion on the weekend was just a  
convenient thing for them. **

Servo: How do they find the time to do the dirty deed on the weekdays?

**The nurse at the reception did  
all the paperwork, billed 450 Dollars on her Amex and  
brought her directly to the ObGyn, where the abortion  
team of a doctor and another nurse was already  
preparing the instruments for her procedure.**

Crow: The doctor plays the guitar and the nurse is on vocals. They will be playing Michael Bolton.

Mike: That'll kill anyone, unborn AND dead.

**She had  
the documents with her pre-exam from her  
gynaecologist in Tokyo with her and all she had to do before  
she could obtain her abortion was an ultrasound.**

Mike: There was no fetus. The baby never existed, never made and never thought of.

**She  
laid down on the abortion table and the nurse inserted  
the ultrasound device into her vagina.**

Crow: …and then the REAL nurse showed up.

Servo: Janice! Why aren't you in sex rehab?

**It confirmed  
she was 5 months pregnant. So she was two weeks  
longer with foetus than she initially had heard in  
Tokyo.**

Mike: That's great. No one has any use for a foetus.

**Your foetus is comparatively large for a five  
months pregnancy, but we have techniques to deal with  
that, so don't worry, the abortion doctor explained to  
her. ?As this is your first abon, on, I will explain  
everything to you before we start.**

Servo & Crow: Noooooooooo!

**We will start with the  
termination by dilating your cervix carefully inserting steel  
rods and soften the muscle with an injection of  
laineaine and prostaglandine. I will then insert a suction  
canula of about 2 inches diameter into your uterus and  
remove the foetal limbs, the intestines and the brain by  
suction.**

Servo: (shaking) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

**The head and the body will be crushed and removed  
by forceps, the placenta will be scraped out using a  
sharp curette. At the end another suction session will  
complete the abortion and your unwanted pregnancy will be  
over."**

Mike: (throws up on floor)

Crow: (looks at floor) Something better to look at.****

"How can you know this is unwanted?" Videl thought.

Servo: Just close the Internet browser.

Mike: I think it's talking about the abortion, not the story.

Servo: Is there a difference?

**"I need to be pregnant to have an abortion, and ever  
since reading that book I have wanted to get  
one."**

Crow: Twilight would do that to you.

**"so please move your pelvis down a little bit.**

Mike: Didn't someone tell Elvis the same thing?

**It  
is necessary to place your vagina just above the  
steel bowl attached to the lower end of the abortion  
table, so that the tissue we remove from your uterus  
directly falls into it when it slips out through the  
speculum. Now put your legs into the knee rests, open up  
please and relax, it won't hurt a bit".**

Mike: Words every woman who has gone out with me said.

Servo: Too much information.****

Videl started to feel the excitement she had experienced when  
she read the book in the Osaka store for the first  
time. She was pretty sure she could answer that  
question already. "Are abortions fun?"

Crow: They're as fun as getting castrated.

**"You bet, she  
thought, this is going to be the orgasm of my life".**

Servo: A disturbing, horrifying life.

**When  
the doctor inserted the speculum into her vagina she  
felt like being penetrated with a large dildo.**

Servo: Janice! Get that out of here! Get out!

**Her  
vaginal muscles contracted and she took a deep breath in  
her shivering arousal. In her fantasy she went ahead  
and already imagined the forceps and the suction tube  
inside of her taking care of the foetus.**

Mike: Okay…but what about the baby growing inside her?

**After injecting  
the lidocaine and some prostaglandine the abortionist  
inserted the dilator rods into her cervix and carefully  
stretched and widened it. The opening in her cervix was  
soon stretched to 2 inches. The doctor could now  
insert a sound to measure the exact size of the uterus**

Crow: May I suggest an echo sound effect?

**and decide which forceps to use for dismembering the  
foetal tissue. Her uterus was already more than 10  
inches deep behind the cervical opening. The abortionist  
decided he would stretch the cervix to 4 inches using a  
new tool that could be inserted and expanded  
uniformly like a camera shutter.**

Mike: Because it probably was.

Servo: JANICE! Get that camera out of there!

**He inserted it and  
expanded the cervix slowly and stepwise until he had  
reached 4.5 inches to compensate for the expected  
contraction when he took the device out again. Videl could hardly stop her pelvis from making circular  
movements meanwhile. **

All: Let's rock! Everybody let's rock!

**In her imagination she was patient and  
abortionist at the same , cu, cutting the foetus into pieces  
and pulling them out of the open speculum before  
placing the lacerated limbs into the waste bin under the  
abortion table. **

Crow: Which was then transported to Taco Bell.

**Her vagina started to contract and hold  
the speculum under tension. She was so excited now  
she was about to come. **

Mike: …to her senses, finally realizing how stupid all this was.

**When the nurse told her the  
doctor would now start to insert the canula for the  
first session of suction curettage she climaxed the  
first time. As she came moaning and groaning her cervix  
convulsed visibly. The doctor inserted the suction machine  
and switched it on.**

Servo: I guess the doctor didn't notice the lady climaxing.

**He inserted the tongs of age  
ge  
forceps-scissors and cut of the limbs off the foetus.**

Mike: Inserted the tongs of agege? What?

**He than  
moved the tip of the suction canula directly to the  
amputated limbs and sucked them out of the uterus into the  
steel bowl between Videl's legs. **

Crow: Jesus Christ.

Mike: I don't think there is one. At least, as soon as this story was posted, He ceased to exist.

**He then cut off the  
umbilical cord and started opening the foetal body with a  
pointed pair of scissors to insert the suction tube into  
the foetus. A few seconds later the intestines were  
spit into the steel bowl and only the emptied torso,  
the skull and the placenta were still inside  
Videl's slightly swollen belly. **

Servo: I'm hungry all of a sudden.

**"We call this  
procedure a scrap suction. We use it, when the foetus is  
small enough to be removed by suction, but too large  
and the tissue to tough to be dismembered by the  
pressure of the suction machine", the nurse explained.**

Crow: Not too late to use it on Rob Schneider.

**Videl could feel how the flow of foetal tissue was  
vacuumed out of her and the orgiastic feeling rose again  
until the wave of contractions gave her another climax.  
As she came her uterus compressed and pushed the  
suction tube out through the cervical canal.**

Servo: And her uterus was sucked out.

**To the  
doctor this was a familiar phenomenon.**

Crow: Wait, this is an everyday thing?!

Servo: There are women who HAVE abortion fetishes?

**He knew that many  
of his patients had orgasms during the suction  
procedure and he never used a pointed canula because of  
this so as to avoid wounding the uterus when his  
patients reached a climax.**

Mike: But you're killing the uterus anyway, what's it going to matter if there are a few poked holes in it.

**He reinserted the tube and  
began crushing the head and the torso with a flat-blade  
forceps.**

Crow: The steel blade was better.

**Again the shredded pieces were suctioned out as  
he cut them from the foetus and to pieces and the  
steel bowl was filled with the abortion product.**

Servo: Which was also the doctor's cereal bowl.

**Videl knew that most her foetus was now removed  
from her womb and that in the process it had been  
exterminated. She asked the nurse not to throw it away as she  
wanted to see the remains when the procedure was over.**

Mike: Seeing discombobulated bodies is another fetish for another story.

**She assumed it could give her another kick.**

Servo: What? She's in a dream within a dream within a dream?

**The  
doctor had completed the scrap-suction and inserted a  
long curette to cut the placenta off the uterine walls  
and scrap it out through the opened vagina, where it  
dropped into the steel bowl with the aborted foetus. A  
last session of suction to clean her out and the  
abortion was over. **

Mike: Good, I thought this story would never end.

**During the whole 40 minutes of the  
termination Videl came three times.**

Crow: Something Mike has done with any woman. Not even once.

Mike: What have I told you about looking in my journ…I mean, shut up!

**She now knew exactly  
what the book she found in the Osaka bookstore was  
talking about. This was an experience she would want to  
repeat.**

Servo: What, so she's going to have sex, wait for a while and then go to have an abortion over and over and over and over and over again?!

Crow: Saying that this is a sickness is the biggest understatement since saying, "Hitler was a sad man."****

As she relaxed herself on the abortion  
table the shredded pieces of the aborted foetus lay in  
the steel bowl placed under the lower end of the  
table between the knee rests.

Mike: (as Vedel) I'm hungry.

**"We will now reassemble it  
to check everything has been completely removed from  
your womb. **

Crow: Including your womb.

**After that your abortion will be over and  
done. Your may relax for an hour or two in a room  
provided here at the clinic before you leave. We hope you  
enjoyed our service", the nurse said to her.**

Servo: Let's hope it's not THE Room!

Mike & Crow: Oh God!

**"Can  
I see it?" Videl asked the nurse. "Of course,  
here it is", she replied. Videl tried to identify  
the foetal body parts, but only the skull and some of  
the limbs were still visible, as the other parts were  
buried under a bloody soup of placenta tissue and a pulp  
of squashed foetal organs. **

Crow: So, Rihanna after a visit from Chris Brown.

**A last shiver went down  
her spine looking at the foetus she had aborted  
before the remains were brought to the waste  
bin.**

Mike: …which was promptly brought to a nearby Arby's.****

Videl left the clinic and programmed the reception's  
number into her cell phones memory. She knew she would  
use it again.

Servo: Gohan will never EVER know.

**KEEP CIRCULATING THE STORIES! SEND SOME TO ME!**


	9. Sonic Fights Robotnik

**SONIC FIGHTS ROBOTNIK**

**By SONICFAN**

Mike: Isn't that like MOST of Sonic's fights?

**Sonics best adventure yet!**

Crow: Until the next 4 sequels.

**It was a brite midday morning in KnotHole Forrest.**

Servo: What the Hell is a midday morning? What's next, a midnight evening?!

**The**

**animals were**

**doing things like they usually do.**

Crow: Screwing with each other.

**Rotor was cleaning up**

**the sprokets**

**Bunny was repainting the huts and Tails wasx fighting**

**stuffed bots with**

**kung-fu.**

Mike: So, women aren't the only stuffers.

Servo: Uhhh, Mike? (sigh) Never mind.

**Sonic was in his hut drinking a Mountian Due and**

**watching TV.**

Crow: Right after, he drank a Coka-Cola, followed by a Sprit, then a Rout Beer and finished it up by drinking a Poopsi.

**Furry Beavis**

**and Butthead was on.**

Mike: Beavis and Butthead ARE FURRIES?!

Crow & Servo: AAAAOOOOOOWWWWW!

**"It's like beavis and butthead but**

**beavis is a rat and**

**butthead is a dog" Sonic says to the reader.**

Servo: So, really what's changed?

Crow: Sonic is talking to the reader. Please tell me he's not going to do a "Sonic Says".

**Antoinee was in his house jamming to Greenday. **

Mike: That's just stupid. The French listening to Green Day, that's pretty much like the KKK making Martin Luther King Jr. their hero.

**Just out**

**of nowhere rotor jumps**

**into the room!**

**Sonic looked around his hut. "Sonic! " saidrotor.**

Servo: Sorry, we've been pronouncing his name wrong all this time. It's not Sonic, it's Sonic!

**"Look**

**out a SWAT-missel is**

**going to hit you!"**

Crow: Everybody who played Sonic! Riders has always wanted to do that.

**Sonic said "WHA?" and loooked out the window.**

Servo: He what out the window?!

**A swat**

**missel was going to hit**

**him! He jumped out of the hut and ran around the missel.**

**Soon it smashed**

**into a tree and blew into a million peices.**

Mike: …which left Owl from Winnie The Pooh dead, body smoldering on the grass.

**"Woah close one dude but I made it ok" he said (sonic)**

**ROtor said "Bye" and left.**

Crow: I guess the SWAT team didn't bother to fire another missile.

**[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]**

**Meanwhile in Robotroptolis**

**Grr**

**said Robotnik.**

**"I hate it when missel misses!" he said, also**

Servo: It's not like I could have fired another missile!

**"THis is your fault!" he said to Snively.**

**"no no sir!" he replied!**

**"Packbell"**

**"Yes sir?"**

**"Kill sonic because snively is too dumb to be able too!"**

Crow: Is Snively also Packbell?

Mike: Stop trying to find logic in this.

**"Yes sir"**

**"What a fat" said snively, under his voice.**

Servo: A fat what? A FAT WHAT?! HE'S A FAT WHAT?! TELL ME, YOU IDIOTS!

Mike: Come on, Servo. Calm down. It'll be over soon.

Servo: SOON IS NOT ENOUGH! AAAAHHHHHH!

**[][][][][][][][][][][][][]**

**3 or four days later back at knothole**

**Sonic is chatting with Sally on IRC**

**Sonic I luv u sal ;)**

**Sally Awww ;)**

**Sonic lets have sex :)**

**Sally no ;p**

Crow: I told you, I'm gay…in fact, so are you.

**Sanoic you are buetiful**

**Sally ok we ave cybersex**

Mike: I guess he had her at BUETIFUL!

**JUST THEN ROTOR BREAKS DOWN THE DOOR IN EMERGENCY!**

Servo: OH YEAAAAAH!

**Rotor: Sonic look out we are under attack by 1000000**

**SWAT BOTS!**

**Sonic: Ok i got it covered**

**Sonic runs to the bots "Yo dudes whats up?"**

Crow: He's trying to be hip and it's backfiring…Vanilla Ice style.

Mike: Now, now, Crow. Don't badmouth Vanilla Ice like that.

**Swat bots: DRRRROOOONE, WE KILL HEDGEHOG #1 PRIRORITY**

**Sonic said "You drone alot bots"**

**Just then Sonic spinned around and around killing half**

**the bots.**

Servo: What, so does he spin around in one place and every one dies? GIVE MORE EXPLANATION!

**The other half tried to shoot him but sonic pulled out a**

**power ring and**

**turned into super sonic easily killing the rest with no**

**effort.**

Crow: It takes only ONE ring to turn him into Super Sonic! ?

**"well" said sonic "looks like 0 to me hmmmm your**

**counting is bad Rote"**

Mike: Well, your spelling and grammer isn't any better.

**Sonic goes back to watching TV**

**Robotik appears on the TV!**

**"Hello my name is Dr. Robotnik**

Servo: …and I'm an alcoholic.

**I have taken over the TV**

**station no one can**

**stop me ha ha ha ha."**

Crow: It's only TBS, no one cares.

**"No way Fatnick! Let's get ready to rock!" said sonic**

**Sonic was talking to Sally "We gotta stop Robotnuk!"**

Servo: Robotnuk, the Canadian brother.

**Tails says "Can I go too Sally?"**

**Sally said "No you are too little robotnik and his bots**

**would kill you or**

**robotosize you"**

Crow: On second thought, you can be our leader.

**-WARNING if you are offended you should not read**

**this neck part-**

Mike: This would've been better at the beginning of the story…you know, just some good advice.

**"FOCK YOU SALLY!" SCREMED tails**

**-Ok kids you can look now :)-**

Crow: Oh, spoilers!

**Sally kicked Tails "BAd Tails don't say**

**that!"**

**Tails said "I am mad now I hate you!"**

**Sonic said "oh no but we have to stop Robotnick's TV**

**plan! Let's go!"**

Servo: Otherwise he'll order MORE Tyler Perry shows.

**[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]**

**Sonic was at the Tv station fighting bots that were**

**jumping off the antenna.**

Crow: They didn't want to fight, they were suicidal.

**Tank-bot attacked towards sonic. Sonic jumped flipped**

**and spun in the air but**

**tank bot was too fast. Just then sonic ran up the wall**

**and tank bot hit the**

**wall. SOnic laughted at the funniness of this.**

Mike: I would laught too at the funniness of this…when Death comes for me.

**Then he**

**went into the tv station**

**Robotnick was there doing the robotnik show**

Servo: The sequel to the Jay Leno Show.

**"Dooo doo doo this is tnhe robotnick show we will be**

**pack arfter the messages**

Mike: After we get a writer whose spelling is WORSE than a 5 year old's.

**doo doo doo BUY KEN PENDERS now back to the show doo do**

**doo its the robotnick**

**show our guest today is**

**"SONIC?"**

Crow: How do you do that with a question?

**"Yes" said Sonic**

**Sonic fought snively first. Armed with a laser gun**

**snively shot at sonic but**

**sonic beat him good.**

Mike: How?

**Next was packbell. He shot rockets**

**at sonic but sonic**

**jumped out of the way and kicked him down anyways. THen**

**Robotnick hit the**

**button. The lasers were aimed at the blue blur. They**

**would kill him and his**

**friends!**

Servo: And the bad news?

**What will happen next!**

**Stay tuned for PART 2!**

Mike: I doubt that there were enough people who read this to guarantee a SEQUEL to this.

**Just kidding**

Crow: Thank God. Nobody is stupid enough to…

**but sirousley tit's time fro a commerical**

**brake.**

**Wheel be right back (I hope)**

Servo: …you stop this right now.

**COmmercial**

**Ken: Hello this is ken penders i hate sonic because i**

**draw his comics.**

Crow: Well, the whole world hates you for writing this!

**I really**

**suck why dont i just kill sally BANG she died now i'll**

**do a crossover of sonic**

**and mR rogers ha ha ha ha ha i am evil.**

Mike: Why don't I just kill the author of this story? BANG! They're dead now. I'll write a GOOD fanfic. HA HA HA HA HA! I am a hero.

**No back to the show,**

Servo: But I want to turn my back TO the damn show!

**Sonic escaped a stickey situaton but there was more in**

**store for our hero.**

Mike: I can't believe there is a part two of this garbage.

**RObotnick produced a bomb from his sleave.**

Servo: He always has a copy of Tank Girl: The Movie in his sleeve.

**"Ha ha ha"**

**said he.**

**Sonic kicked robotnick knocking him out the window. The**

**lardish doctor fell**

**5000 story's to his death.**

Crow: Funnily enough, they were on the first floor.

**But as Tails later noted he**

**was not really dead.**

Servo: Only mostly dead.

**Sonic ran out of the building just in time. The bombs**

**fuse ended and...**

**SNAP CRACKLE POP! THE BOMB EXPLODES!**

Mike: Now no one will ever know how it feels to have a complete breakfast.

Crow: …because they are terrorists!

**There goes our tv shows**

**said sonc**

Servo: So, is his name Sonic! or Sonc?!

**[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]**

**Sonic and friends had to blow up the robotik crystal**

**mine.**

**"Y'all." said Bunny**

**"these is soem weird crystals**

Mike: It's crystal meth…let's try it.

**some of em are blue and**

**some of em are red**

**and some of em are green and some of em are purple and**

**some of em are yellow.**

**Some are squaree, otrhers are triangle.**

Servo: Some are Asian, some are African.

Crow: Some of them are black, some of them are white.

Mike: Some of them straight, some of them go both ways.

**Heck all y'all some of em arent even crystals at all!"**

**Just then they all gasped in horror. The biggest bot in**

**the world suddenly**

**appeared with its guns aimed at the freedom fighters.**

Crow: Rosie O'Donell is in this story?

**"Nooooo!"**

**Antoinee quipped "Ze bot es BEEEEG!"**

**SOnic and Sally attacked the bot. The bot blew up taking**

**the mine with it.**

Crow: So, what did they do to blow up the robot?

Mike: They appeared in this fanfic.

**[[[[[[[]]]]]]**

**Robotnik was watching this on camera.**

Servo: Tonight on America's Funniest Home Videos.

**"That hedgehog is a walking contradiction" he said.**

**Snively said nothing, neither did packbell andthen**

**They all sing "Walking Contradiction" by Greenday**

Crow: Let's go on a holiday.

Mike: They all sang Holiday by Green Day.

Servo: That hedgehog is frantic.

ALL: FRAN-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC-TIC!

**[[[[[[[[[[5 years later]]]]]]]]]]]]]]**

**It was the last battle with robotnick.**

Crow: As it was Robotnic's last day on Earth.

**All of mobiuses**

**freedom fighters had**

**gathered at Kothole to discuss the plan.**

**"Here is the plan" said Princess Sally "We sneek into**

**Robotropolis and sonic**

**you fight the bots while we blow up the death egg"**

Servo: …so no sequels to Godzilla would ever be made.

**Sonic walked thrugh the woods with sally.**

**"Umm sall what about that cybersex"**

Mike: Should we do it right here?

**[[[[[disco music]]]]]]**

**bow-bow-chicka-bow-wowp-chika-chika-bow-bow**

**Tails: Funky!**

Crow: That's what Mike smells like.

Mike: I have a condition!

**(dances) disco fever! **

Mike: …and the only prescription is more cowbell!

Servo: A cowbell is better than disco.

**(sees sonic and**

**sally) OoOopS! Sorry**

Crow: For trying to bring disco back? When you die, I'll forgive you.

**The troupe arrived at robotopobis. They stormed the**

**death egg.**

**It was and exciting battle but the freedom fighters won**

**in the end.**

Mike: They won the battle but lost the war…no one wins because they appeared in this.

**Back at Knothole celebration was in order. They**

**discussed how to fix the**

**TV station and antoinne danced and Chis Petrucii sang**

**the song of the Death**

**Egg battle**

**Sonic was on a mission dark**

**to defeat the evil doctor**

Crow: …who was a zombie since NO ONE CAN SURVIVE A GIANT FALL!

**but he beat him**

**like he did**

ALL: HOW?!

**and no one was asunder**

**thunderrr...**

**SONIC! SUPER SONIC!**

**he is the hero of our day**

**SONIC! SUPER SONIC!**

**let's all say hooray**

ALL: Boo.

**lats all say hooray**

Crow: YOU SUCK!

**Bookshire wept at the heartstrung plucking of the**

**guitar.**

Servo: Even though there was only singing at this point.

**Tails made up with sally and gave her a hug.**

Mike: …which resulted in Tails giving her a wedgie.

**Everything**

**was A-OK.**

**Just then 50 million missels, a million swat bots and**

**the entre robo brigade**

**were attacking Knothole.**

Crow: Oh my God, this story is never going to end!

**RObotnick showed up, holding**

**the off button.**

Mike: …to end this story?! PRESS IT PLEASE!

**Only**

**he had the power to stop the attack.**

Servo: Doesn't he want to destroy Sonic? Why does he have a stop button?

**Sonic put on his**

**cybersuit. Robotnik walked**

**into rotors invention hut sonic followed behind him.**

**They were both in the**

**hut sonic attacked with fists of fury! POW! BANG!**

**SHABOOM! BOOM! KABLAMO!**

ALL: (singing) Na na na na na na na na! Na na na na na na na na! BATMAN!

**[[[[[[]]]]]]]]**

**[][][][][][][]**

**"I hope you had the time of your liiiiiiiiife" sang**

**Greenday.**

Crow: I did have the time of my life…before I read this. Now I just want to drown myself.

**THE END**

**Hope you liked my story!**

Mike: I DO like this story…to burn in Hell.

**Sorry about any spelling**

**errors.**

Servo: I can't see this person becoming a published author.

Crow: If they do, I've lost all hope in humanity.


End file.
